Mole Watch. Mole Watch.

Dear Mr Mole,

Thank you for gracing us with your good presence. We are most delighted that you have found the need to aerate our soil and that you find our back yard a fine residence for your good self. But with all due respect can you bugger off....

Yours respectfully,

The Seedling.

Urgh! Now some people are happy to let moles just be. I used to think I was one of those good people. But after tendering to my lawn, nourishing it, bathing it and giving it a fine haircut regularly, I'd rather it not look like a bombsite. Its not quite the look I was going for.

In conclusion - the mole has to go!

Now because I grew up watching Animals of Farthing Wood, I don't want to kill it, just rather, you know, see it out - like a bad guest. So I'm currently on MOLE WATCH. My research tells me its likely to be just the one (its having one helluva party) and there are various methods to move it on although there doesn't seem to be a consensus on the most effective way - so slowly but surely I'll have to find ways to smoke it out. So far:

1) Mole Watch

This method relies on me sitting out watching and waiting for signs of movement. Mole Watch (clearly my imagination is limitless) as it turns out is as boring as watching paint dry (I have done this to verify). Quite what I'll do when I spot the critter or its whereabouts is unknown to me - simultaneously screaming, stomping and swearing will probably be my go-to method. Occasionally Mole Watch requires me to jump around in a passive-aggressive manner on the lawn, in a mark-my-territory-tantrum kind of way - much to the amusement of my neighbors Not sure how effective this will be but it is relatively low cost (the cost of looking crazy).

2) Pinwheel Method

Research suggests that we turn the garden into a garish magical fairyland full of colourful pinwheels (akin to Willy Wonkas Chocolate Room). From this I have extrapolated that Moles clearly hate two things :-the sound of wind, and erm, fairys. As it sounds like a fun, cheap and cheerful method we're going to try this... Sods law, there'll be no wind for the rest of the 2020.

3) Good Vibrations

There are various solar powered devices available which vibrate and scare the moles into submission. I've decided to skip the fifty squid payment and just play some rock n roll outside. Good vibrations indeed.

4) Bad Foods

They don't like alliums or daffodils - I spent backbreaking, sweat dripping days planting just these in 2019...and typically this mole doesn't seem to mind them. Groan.

5) The Professionals

Mole trappers, Mole Snatchers, Professional Mole Knappers. It could end like this.

P.S. Mr Mole.

This is war.

Mole Track in the Midst - despite all my best stomping efforts

Definitely don't want a Mountain out of this Molehill